Sunday

I've been back in California for about 3 weeks now. Aside from my trip back east for a wedding with Clayton, I have been out of New York, and into make-up. I mean California. Where one wears make- up... well at least more than they are accustomed to.
Last night I went to a college friend's backyard birthday BBQ at her stunning home in Los Feliz. She shares this house with her darling fiance, and their two peppy pups. While I was having a wonderful time catching up with old college friends, who have also found themselves transplanted to LA, and enjoying the cool almost cold California nighttime air, I couldn't help but start to panic.
Yeah, you know panic... He comes and goes as he pleases, but this time he scared the bejesus out of me. You know sometimes when you fall unexpectedly, and you just feel sort of shocked after? Not to mention a little embarrassed, stupid and a bit foolish? Well, that happened to me last night. I lost my balance, and I fell backwards. Not a big deal. And while I'd hoped no one would notice the tears welling up behind my eyes, and choking behind my heart, one of my good friends did.
We stepped aside to a dark corner, and I realized that these tears were coming from that place of shit damn fuck what the fuck...I felt scared, and overwhelmed. This is all so new. I might never belong or feel comfortable. I've also been regretting not making this westward move so many years sooner. Maybe by now I too would be living in a house with a fiance and a pool. Those two usually come with the other, no? And yes, I realize that this all takes time, and that I haven't even officially moved to Los Angeles yet.  And I also realize that there is a wonderful man moving out here in hopefully only a few months time to be with me. So until then, I just have to find a place where I can hang my hat (literally, because you know I have to wear one out here in this sun), and call home for the time being.

But today, on this grey May Sunday, I woke up, looked at a possible sublet (it's a no), and drove myself back home to my folks' house as fast as I could. It's been a long weekend. Full of skinny girl margaritas, endless driving, and lots of eye make- up remover. I'll figure this out. But right now, I'm just happy to be home.
ps. thank you Heidi.